I’m not an expert on addiction but this will be my take on it based on my journey.
What I used to be addicted to was overeating. I will say used to now, because the habit has released its grip on me for the most part.
Whatever you’re going through, appreciate your unique journey/timeline filled with relapses and misunderstandings whether they come from you or are being reflected through others. Let it unfold naturally. And what do I mean by naturally exactly? Well, based on personal experience, I would define ‘natural’ as, instead of forcing the change on yourself and then feeling shitty for relapsing, just observe that it happened, yet at the same time in your mind’s eye continue to maintain the distant ideal that one day you will live without the pull towards addiction. Amazingly, sometimes you don’t need to know how it’s going to happen or when it’s going to happen.
When I was in my 20’s, I would be so frustrated when older adults, who seemed to have it together, would tell me things like, “Don’t worry, you’re doing just fine. Everything will work out”. I knew their words were well-intentioned, but didn’t they understand, for a mind person like me, it drove me crazy! ..like how am I supposed to analyze and figure out my next step from that?
..But as life moved along, I started to get the sense of why they said what they said. A sane person is unlikely to tell you your next step, because no one knows you better than you know you. Life doesn’t operate in a linear fashion. You just take one decision at a time and adjust when you want to. Maybe one day I may find myself saying the same thing to a lost 20 something year old: “Don’t worry. Keep moving forward. Things will work out.” lol
So, how did I go from a non-binge eating child to a binge eating teen/adult into her 30’s and now find myself not drawn to overeating, which once had a strong hold on me.
Well, I can’t say I know where it stems from to be honest. With the exception of women doing drugs while pregnant, my assumption is most babies are born without addiction.
My best guess is that repeated hurtful confusing experiences created beliefs which stopped the flow of my soul essence and in order to cope with the loss of self, I soothed myself with food. I officially had a food monster in me. In public I would eat normal amounts, but in the comfort of my own home, I ate until it physically hurt and was filled with regret afterwards, only to do it again and again..
The addiction’s hold on me released it’s grip very very slowly over a long period of time, not very noticeable until I found myself reflecting on the past and thinking, ‘oh wow I see the difference between now and then. Hm, I wonder what did it?’
The answer, I believe, is to never give up on the idea of the distant ideal of a better you while you’re in the addiction heap.
The regret, shame, and guilt we feel in the aftermath of our addiction is, in a sense, another way we hold that ‘distant ideal’. The regret, shame, and guilt gives clues of how you truly wish to live which is something other than your addition.
Do you like to travel and adventure because you now have a choice to do so into the inner workings of you. It’s time to discover why you have certain beliefs. It’s time to walk through your flight gate. This flight will likely include turbulence in these windy conditions but if you stick it out, the skies will open up and the clear blue sky will put a spring in your step. When you land you will once again feel the solidness of the ground aka the solidness of your soul essence and why you landed on earth in the first place 🙂
Good luck on your journey to becoming addiction free. I feel compassion for you. The desire to soothe yourself in the moment can be so strong you couldn’t care less about the consequences. You are normal and human like the rest of us.